A new beginning...
Today’s write session comes as result of this nasty little character defect called avoidance rearing its ugly heard in my life. Clearly, I have some deep irritations and resentments that I carry around this “avoidance”. It shows up as procrastination, denial, forgetting, reprioritizing midstream, being “overwhelmed”, laziness, focusing on others instead of myself, talking myself out of something (or failing to talk to myself out of something), making excuses, process additions like scrolling Insta or FB, even in a lack of mindfulness. As I sit here and reflect on all these ways I avoid regularly in my own life, I feel a sense of expansion because now there is this resolve that I feel deep in my solar plexus that is pushing me… APPROACH. APPROACH.
So what keeps us from approaching? I find its usually fear. At least in every one of my own avoidant experiences, I can say that if I looked deep it all came does to fear.
I was in a public place, doing some journalling, and someone asked me if I was a writer. I said I write, but I'm not a writer…Not really owning this idea of being a writer. Not seeing this aspect of my soul. She challenged me and I provided the excuse that well… i wasn't published. Then instantly thinking: thats bullshit! You are published..Right here on the internet! But that aside, (see how quick the minimization is right there!!), I’ve received accolades and awards for my writing. I’ve been writing since I was a small child. I love writing! Truthfully, I find it is often the easiest way for me to communicate. With myself, with my guides, with other people. I’m an old school writer. Bring me pen and paper please. There’s something so wonderfully centering about slowing down enough to get it all out. Something about this process helps me get clarity amidst all the crazy thoughts in my head moving around at light speed. I journal often, and sometimes I don’t. And I always feel connected to words.
I’ve wanted too start a blog for years.. Usually when I'm journaling I think to myself it would be so liberating.. a way to own my story … by putting it out there and sharing it with the world. But fuck, lets get real, who has time to type everything over that they just wrote out. Hmmm. It this avoidance in the form of excuses? OR maybe I just need to get behind the modern times and work my shit out. So here I sit. Typing away…. Silver lining..? ‘Cause I'm that type of girl.. My hand doesn't get the same kind of sore that it gets with a pen. AND I can insert a random thought that pops up later in the appropriate place, allowing for a better flow. So for now, I will sit with these… Moving forward. Through fear.
Because really what are the things we are afraid of? That might seem like I'm asking an open ended question because the first thing that comes to mind is a litany of things like heights, spiders, drowning, being paralyzed and becoming a burden. Things that many people might list when asked what they are afraid of. But really, what I'm asking is about the things underneath all of that. The fear of _____ that keeps us stuck in our old behavior patterns. That keeps us from creating the change our soul desires. The truth is that this fear of ours… what ever it is.. is really just an imaginary fear. I know it feels so freaking real though! How can it not be real!?!? It’s really something we have created in our heads as a result of our experiences, messages we have gotten from important people in our lives, sometimes just from our own imagination. We act as if that fear will come true if we follow our dreams, if we follow our souls desire, if we live the life we truly desire, experience the things we want to experience in this life line. This fear is so real to us. It creates such a thick wall of separation between us and the universe.
Today, I choose to remember that I have FAITH that the universe has my back, that the things that happen are for my highest good. Shit may flow and then shit may flop. What can I learn from that experience. Just because that one venture or idea didn't pan out, WE are not failures. I AM not a failure. We are constantly learning. Fear makes people give up. I wont give up. I refuse to give up. I am a warrior of truth and I speak mine. I live my truth. I move through fear.
Unpack you Heart- Phillip Phillips
Meet me where the sunlight ends, meet me where the truth never bends
Bring all that your scared to defend
And lay it down when you walk through my door, throw all of it out on the floor
Your sorrow, your beauty, your war
I want it all, I want it all
Bring your secrets, bring your scars
Bring your glory, all you are
Bring your daylight, bring your dark
Share your silence
And unpack your heart
Show my something the rest never seen
Give me all that you hope to receive
Your deepest regret dies with me
The days wen you stumble and fall
The days when you grind to a crawl
The treasure that hides behind your walls
I want it all, yeah, i want it all.
Bring your secrets, bring your scars
Bring your glory, all you are
Bring your daylight, bring your dark,
Share your silence,
And unpack your heart.
Oh, I’m on your side, so
Shed your shadow and watch it rise, Into the darkness, Ill shine the light.
Bring your secrets, bring your scars
Bring your glory, all you are
Bring your daylight, bring your dark,
Share your silence
Bring your honor, bring your shame
All your madness, I will hame
Out you lay down, lay down your guard,
Share your silence and
Unpack your heart.