Putting it out there

i recently met with a newer friend of mine. i say newer because we only recently connected on this earth. she was so full of passion for her new direction and the healing she had gone through this far. 

even though she was on this high, which felt a little manic to be honest, i could really appreciate her message. she brought with her a message of hope. one that resonated with my needs at this time. she brought a message that it is ok to be vulnerable in front of people. to show them my messy. because the people who know me, who love and support me, aren’t going to leave because they know that just because i’m a mess sometimes, it doesn’t mean i am a bad person. i am not bad. i deserve to be loved and supported. i am loved and supported. i am a good person. 

i came to meditation tonight to reflect on what keeps me from building a routine that i have been “wanting” to build around health and wellness behaviors and starting the day. i can’t hide behind fear because that has proven to be a fallacy. a construct i create for myself. there is something else that is blocking me. that keeps me turning to my phone, to netflix, to other adulting responsibilities. always putting off the meditation, the quiet focus, the yoga, the bubbling up and other energy work. how can i move into that space? 

i believe that in order for me to grow i need to do the work and as it was pointed out the other day- i hide behind my work. i mean, not with everything. but often times  i talk good talk but then i don’t walk the walk. i just sit. inaction. blamed on fear. what is that block? so here i am tonight. seeking support. committing to this process of meditation. to build a conscious contact with the energy rather than a passive one. 

post meditation: wow! letting go of core misbeliefs of not being good, worthy, or good enough.. core misbeliefs of not being lovable… setting intentions to follow the desires of my heart… realizing truths (well actually finding words that encompass these truths)…

what comes up is that i need to look at the reasons why i don’t commit to myself… to spending time in meditation.. being quiet with myself. why am i afraid to hear. the intention of moving through fear is legit and will carry me though this fear of not wanting to REALLY know my truths. the ones i want to pretend are not there.

and so we go.